Tijuana Gringo |
Michael Thomas |
Sunday, 17 December 2000. |
Maria will be gone next week. She's flying on Friday to Nuevo Laredo to spend the holidays with her family. I don't know what I'll do without her. She's not just going for a couple days -- we're talking two weeks here. Well, I've got lots of work to do -- the Colorado Prize poetry submission and the screenplay contest. But maybe I'll take a trip of my own....
Just down into Baja California, away from the border, you know.
I am in the laundramat scribbling in my notebook. Later I will copy this into the computer and change things to make them more... well.
Last week during one particular kiss I felt her start to melt and soften and then she clung to me, sighing.
"What?" I asked.
"Miguel, despues de hacer de amor, vamos a platicar?" We always speak Spanish, you know.
Anyway -- now, we have a new joke: yes, we'll talk later. Hee hee. This joins the little gesture she makes sometimes with her eyes -- indicating "let's get out of here and...."
This evening is the concert at my church. First Lutheran at 3rd & Ash downtown San Diego.
Maria with her new visa and I will cross the borderline and ride the trolley north into the "centre city."
How are Lutherans different than Catholics? She asks me. Well... not as much praying to saints. Practically none. Praying for saints, yes, but not to them. Same setup of service: readings, sermon, offering, communion, with prayers and hymns.
Tonight is not a service per se, it's our annual advent concert. Our music director Jared Jacobsen (a wonder) brings in a chamber group he works with, Allegro, with oboe, violyn, cello and flute, and him on organ, and the church choir of about ten people. They do A Little Advent Music by Hugo Distler, 20th Century German (before Hitler) and some other pieces. Savior of the nations, come!
I haven't been to church much there in the past year or so, not since moving to Tijuana, but I have to confess that they were a great help to me when Cece and I broke up two years ago. Gave me something to hang on to every week, even when... que tonto y estupido pensar que con otro cuerpo te debo olvidar. But I have. Not quite. But there is someone else better. I... ay Maria te quiero pero sí me dudo....
No. Some pain will not be shared with the unknown readers.
Oh yes... I've got the rings. Picked them up yesterday. Gorgeous braided chainlike links of silver. Seventy bucks the pair. Also bought a couple pins to give to her and my mother for Christmas. Hope they like them.
The night before Maria went to her office party. So I couldn't see her, yesterday. No. I thought, oh good, I won't have to worry about her being with me when I get the rings... can keep it secret.
But it turned into something. Something more. Like my last bachelor night out. I mean, as of tomorrow (today), I thought, we'll be wearing the rings. We'll be....
I went around last night from bar to bar, and except for a couple artists in the Patio Turistico, I didn't see anyone I knew. I saw the whores lined up on benches in some of the bars, waiting, and in other bars, the young men who don't want women, waiting for their catch of the night, waiting and drinking and dancing. Finally ended up at Emilio's Cafe Cantante, where at least I know the owner, and we chatted for a while.
There I finally had a couple of beers. Funny, but I feel better. Almost a ritual, walking around, saying goodbye to the bachelor life. I'm not especially promiscuous and I'm not really giving up anything, but it's the emotional thing, you know? Just experiencing the possibility of momentary entanglement in lieu of a lasting faithful relationship... no, don't bother, I can't explain it.